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Random Thought: Sometimes I Wish…

December 16, 2010

That I could possess the poker-face.

I’m not talking Lady Gaga poker-face, I’m talking the unreadable, nonchalant, neutral, expressionless one. Like if something affected me, I could play it off like it didn’t.

I’m talking a blank face.

Here is what I'm envisioning....

When something affects me, people say they can tell. And as much as I think I think I can hide what I’m feeling, I guess to the people who know me well, I don’t.

You know that saying “wearing you heart on your sleeve?” Well sometimes I think I wear my heart on my face.

And with that, I wish I could possess the neutral voice.

The voice where if someone were to tell me something shocking, based off my reaction, they wouldn’t know if I heard them or not. Not monotone, just neutral.  Sometimes I want to be unreadable and it seems like the times I want to be the most unreadable are the times it’s the hardest for me to be that way.

I don’t want to wear my heart on my sleeve, or my face for that matter……or in my voice.

I want to be stoic. I want to be mysterious.  I want to keep people on their toes. I want people to try to figure me out.

You’d think all my years of training as an actress would make it easy for me to “act” as if I’m not affected by anything.

But guess what? Acting teaches you to be just the opposite:

It teaches you to let things affect you. It teaches you to show emotion freely and let things impact you. You have to be open to what is coming at you.  It teaches you to explore a variety of feelings and emotions most people suppress everyday.

Now after years of practicing letting it all out there and unlearning old habits of keeping things to myself, I don’t know how to suppress the things that I want to.

It also doesn’t help that I’m a girl. And as a girl I can get very emotional..

And at my worst I get depressed at times, get my feelings hurt, and cry when I’m stressed out. Add PMS every month on top of that. Which for me means that I could easily go from feeling happy to upset for no reason in 2.5 seconds.

Okay, okay I can get bad...not this bad though.

It’s NO JOKE for my emotional state, and does nothing for my attempts at trying to pull off a poker face, or a neutral voice.

So much for stoicism and mystery.

5 Comments leave one →
  1. Rogue Thought permalink
    December 17, 2010 10:21 am

    As a person who pulls off a poker face 9 out of 10 times I have to say it’s not worth it. Because eventually the inner emotions pile up. And people will push and push till they get a reaction. You end up reaching your breaking point sooner, making a once perfectly fine emotional flood gate look like a shoddy wall of toothpicks and bubblegum.
    I guess I’m at the other extreme where I sometimes I wish I could be more emotional without it seeming like it’s coming out of left field…(although it only seems like left field because many assume that the blank stare means I’m blank as opposed to I’m containing my feelings.)

    • December 17, 2010 10:49 am

      I completely understand what you’re saying. I think I just wish I could pull off the stoic reaction at times. Sometimes I feel like I get overly emotional, and I hate that. I feel like I have to check myself. Especially when it’s that time of the month, lol. (Then again maybe I’m too critical of my emotions)

      • Rogue Thought permalink
        December 17, 2010 12:51 pm

        I may have done a really good job at training myself to stay in check cause I don’t think I have PMS related outbursts. You can see a clear progression to the point that people ask me how do you deal with things so well. (it’s all family related not that I’m living a super rough life…although it’s all relative.)

  2. Sierra permalink
    February 9, 2011 8:00 pm

    I totally agree! EVERYONE says they can read my emotions on my face. I mean even my subconscious thoughts that I feel aren’t bothering show up on my face. I hate it, but I love it at the same time. It allows me to deal with the real and stop ignoring those pertinent issues that may bother me. It also makes me confront those people that may cause my face to start strinking up like I sucked a grapefruit too and tell them keep their BS to themselves. HELLO!

    • February 10, 2011 8:16 pm

      LOL….yeah I def see what you’re saying, I’m the same exact way! I honestly think that my face is naturally “mad looking” so much so that if nothing is wrong but I’m not smiling, people still ask me what’s wrong. So when something really is wrong, then my face looks worse, if that makes any sense. But I agree, with what you were saying about dealing with issues. It’s good to nip that ish in the bud!

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